Tu Venias

Quiero que sepas una cosa……

Yo no sufri, amor mio,

yo solo te esperaba.

Tenias que cambiar de corazon

y de mirada

despues de haber tocado la profunda

zona de mar que te entrego mi pecho.

Tenias que salir del agua

pura como una gota levantada

por una ola nocturna.

 

Novio mio, tuviste

que morir y nacer, yo te esperaba.

Yo no sufri buscandote,

sabia que vendrias,

un nuevo hombre con lo que adoro

de la que no adoraba,

con tus ojos, yus manos y tu boca

pero con otro Corazon

que amanecio a mi lado

como si siempre hubiera estado alli

pare seguir conmigo para siempre.

 

-Pablo Neruda

 

Mr. Gateway

Why is he flooding my senses with the memory of him. I can hear him laugh and feel him hold my face. Why won’t his scent leave my pillow and the memory of his weight leave my skin. Why can’t I forget he hates chocolate but loves pop rocks, loves blue beyond normalcy, has ash tree on his back, and has never had a cavity. That he never eats after playing ball, can see his pulse thru the skin on his hand, or leans his head to the side when he’s really listening to you. Why can’t the best part stay forever? Why can’t blocks built by the pain from the past disappear when someone wants to love you inspite of them. Why can I see the potential in you, but I who have stayed honest and fair with you from the start…you can’t trust enough to pull down the wall and shelter me. I already said I’d let you win. I’m losing stamina and my heart is tired.  I need you to lead me through this now because I’m losing my footing and I’m starting to hear static. I need you to care for me, hold me and never let me go. Are we ever gonna be on the same side of the door?

 

Inside my bubble wrap

Have you ever tried to recall how you felt during that catatonic state right after a major moment? The fuzzy seconds after you blow a fuse, when you lose touch with reality for just a second, words gets lost in translation and you move as if on autopilot. In some situations it’s the grounding experience that reminds you that yes, you can go crazy. It’s like everything that happens in the doctor’s office after “you’re pregnant”, and the space of time after you realize that it really is over and there is too much to cry about, or when you realize that what you knew as home has changed forever, separating what was childhood and the inconsistency of adulthood. I believe that in these moments your brain goes into a sort of reboot because otherwise you would implode. Though in the overly dramatic traumatizing moments your brain just sad mac’s and you forget everything like it never happened. Trying to recall how exactly you felt in that state is almost impossible, leaving you with the trusty template statement of “I can’t really remember, there was so much going on”. Truth is there wasn’t. The going on happened and your brain was still trying to figure out if it could you work with this new sparkly “present” of information or if it’d be best to just put it in the freezer. Right now so much is going on in the lives of the people I love the most, and in turn indirectly changes the course of my own. For the past month I have been living in this catatonic state. There have been more changes in the past month of my life then in the last 2 yrs combined. I have no choice but to deal cause I have no control on the decisions being made. There going to happen whether I agree or not, can handle it or not. I’m trying to remember this point in my life because I know I will come out different. To all those involved saying that I love you would be an understatement, you are my understanding of life and love. I owe you my spirit.   It’s weird, when you prolong this state you start seeing quirky things about yourself that I guess are your coping mechanisms to ease the inevitable transition. Your mental cushions if you will. For example hugs can only last enough to be considered sincere, when asked how I am; the answer is I’m fine period. There will be no long drawn out conversations about how it was, because I’m not over the idea of it no longer being. You begin to coach yourself before getting out the car, like your going into a UFC match…it’s OCD at its best. Yet in the same moment, it’s like your emotions are happening outside of your cubicle. You find you experience everything on the surface and no matter how you feel, you just can’t cry, you won’t cry. Is it supposed to be like a shot? Good for you in the long run but you’re blinded by the immediate fever and flu like symptoms. No bueno. If it’s for the best why does it make you want to watch sad movies of yesteryear, drink tea or run until your body decides to cramp. Every religious, spiritualistic, or plain old self help book (take your preference), tells you to “be open”, “be open”. What degree of openness is considered safe or a risk for opportunistic infection, I guess, varies on your immunity to emotional pain. But they leave that bit of pleasantry out.  They shellac it and call it growth. I don’t like to be in pain. Matter fact I’m terrified by it like some demon in the shadows, omnipresent and heavy. There’s no inhibitor for it and lucky for us the only cure for it is our dear old friend, get ready for it, TIME. Of course, how could you forget? So now you can look at that “moment” and say “your only 6 months of detachedness, headaches and a semisolid wall, sign me up”. It just gets better! No really it does, right? It just has to…. I gotta flip the script. But not right now, I’m gonna stay in my fuzzy state for a little while longer while I put all these new fragile sparkly “presents” in the respective new homes. I’m just not ready to deal. Tomorrow sounds good but the forecast does say to expect showers so……time will have to tell. Isn’t that ironic, don’t ya think.

 

Ok let me get this straight

Ok what the fuck does “friend” mean, coming from the mouth of your boyfriend inside your mind. If you deal with a guy for let’s be honest more then 4 months maybe even 5, you start to mentally try on the idea of him as your man, like you do when you when you see a outfit that you like. Does he work for you? Does he fit well, and make you look like the baddest bitch in the room? What about this look is different?  For some of us this transaction happens almost seamless. For the rest of the unfortunate population it’s trying, and tranquil; traumatizing and uniquely fulfilling. The closet of your past inevitably will contain a few of these trials and from which steamed an even more evitable area of dead cells in your heart with their respective names etched. Not to sound melodramatic but at the time of their demise you (reflecting now with horror) truly believed you’d never love another. But not surprisingly there is, and you find yourself in familiar territory, where people say things like “so what do you do?” or even worse “shorty who you here with?” How do you know you’ve found your partner? Found the person in this world you ready to go to war with, whose arms in which you feel safer than you feel in your own skin. The one who you’ll eventually share inside jokes with, and learn how to have comfortable silence. I’ve found myself in a place where I don’t know if I’m being a masochist or truly trying to give something worth developing, time to growth thru the fucking concrete. He’s the kind of dude that you can remember the first time you locked eyes, getting that first message and reading it or listening to it 10 times like it had some cryptic message. He still makes you antsy when you anticipate his arms around you. In that same breath he makes very real his inability to be committed. But by the time he drops the chemical bomb (that blows up and leaves your face tinged with a 1^st degree burn everytime he introduces you as his friend to anybody even the doorman), you’ve already tried on the outfit and decided you have to have it, even if you have to take out the credit card.  What’s next? Well if your say 24 and really caught up, you’ll probably try to ignore the obvious and surge ahead because, hey you’ll work it out, passion is on your side. Who needs logic and rationality? As time has passed I have found myself falling deeper into The Nothing with Mr. Gateway Drug. I’m trying to stay positive, cause the idea of just walking away makes me listen to some old school Mary J and dreaming that when I wake up he’ll just get it. I’ve reneged on my just disappear plan, and when we run into eachother and he hugs me, my soul says do-over. So in my mind I have set up all these “divisions”, my checks and balance system in that divides what we have to be, in relation to what we have been allowing to continue. How do you cut yourself off from him when ya’ll talk all day and spent months developing trust? This shit is all off balance.

 

I fell down the rabbit hole!

Ok so I have been introduced to this whole blogging situation to try something new (on the request of my bestest homegirl in the world) with the hopes of balancing all these new “blitzes” going on in my life. So ride with me, I make it happen even if I’m naturally off center. You never expect to be up shit’s creak, but there you are, moments later, looking at everyone as though there the pigs and you’re the normal girl in the twilight zone. I have learned to tread water gradually, treating it like my area of concentration. Focusing more on what self inspired breakthrough I’ve evolved to this month. I’m more aware now of what I have to do, against the time I have. Yo all my friends have graduated from college, making that the new baseline. Leaving imprints on our resumes with some weird jobs, a couple indelible heartaches and some crazy funny shit that happened. Even with all those lovely discoveries, at this moment were still only ankle deep in understanding how, why and what we want. Life upgrades itself to some crazy, your worse subject hard, just like that. Your grades from then on translates in to your economic, physical and ethical status. Many of us just aren’t prepared for it, and get mad at our parents like they damaged us somehow. Yet the truth is, how the hell are you supposed to teach somebody that? That’s a question that every parent takes on and almost religiously goes at with all intents and purpose. God bless those thrill seekers!!  Dedicating their lives to teach this spanking brand new soul on the earth morals, responsibility, caring…. you know, all that “good person” material.  All the while knowing damn well they themselves can barely stay in the lines. In your twenties, so much of the freaking time you’re left thinking fuck this!!! I’m gonna go home to sleep this off before my blackberry snitches on my location. This is not healthy.